This year has been one for the books. 2016 brought heartbreak, mounds of change, and emotions I never knew existed, but 2017 has brought numerous challenges I wouldn’t particularly choose to face if I had the choice. I’ve been a walking disaster my whole life, foot surgeries, angry uterus, thyroid problems, and years’ worth of physical therapy, but these past seven months have most definitely confirmed it. In February, I had surgery to detach my colon from the scar tissue on my ovary. A few weeks later, I went to the doctor for swollen lymph nodes in my neck that had been persistent and painful for several weeks, only to find out I had shingles. Shortly after, I began having intense vertigo episodes only to find out my shingles had damaged the nerve running into my ear. Soon after, I applied for my THIRTEENTH job and was finally hired. Serving and being a waitress was not my dream job, but it works well for my schedule and let’s be honest, the tips aren’t bad. However, my already compromised left shoulder, more nerve damage from my shingles, and carrying large trays, pushed me to go back to my ortho doctor. After some x-rays and an injection, it was decided to go ahead and schedule surgery to clean out my bursa and fix any other issues. A few weeks before this appointment I discovered a few lumps on my left breast, which most likely explains the severe chest pressure and pain I had been experiencing for a few months. So now, I stand in limbo: numb, frustrated, concerned, and so very over it all.
This blog post has been on my mind for a while now, but I never wanted to write it, or even share it, because it made me feel weak. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I care what others think of me. I don’t want to be known as the girl who wants attention, complained too much, or couldn’t take of herself. I find it easier to share my emotions because no matter what people think, my emotions and feelings belong to me, and no one can tell me that my feelings are right or wrong, but being vulnerable about my physical struggles is hard. But this journey, this journey, has been so unpredicting, and honestly exhausting. This was supposed to be my year, the year I focused on myself, and became the person I wanted to be. Do you know how hard it is to fulfill that when life keeps knocking you on your face? It keeps feeding you hope only to rip it out and take it away. I was able to smile and laugh through most of this journey. Roll my eyes, shake my head, and keep moving forward because I was thankful that my hard comings were not life threatening or as unfortunate as others. Death doesn’t keep knocking, medical expenses have been relatively minor, and there has been an answer to all my problems, until today. I’m doing my best to keep a wise mind. To stray my mind from worried thoughts and keep myself from thinking the extreme. I remind myself how important it is not to rush to conclusions and keep an open mind, but my heart it finding it hard to see the silver lining when every other situation prior has been so discouraging and disappointing.
Throughout it all, Kassidy has never left my side. I am striving to keep her positivity and smile on my face, but I know I will never come close to having the strength that she did. I remember lying in bed, days before she died, and praying to God. I pleaded to him and cried out that I would do anything to take her place, I would do anything take the cancer away from her and place it upon myself. Now, as one part of my mind is facing the dark, and far out thought of breast cancer, and the other is praying for only fibrous tissue lumps, I can only hope, and wish, that I can be that answer to prayer for someone else. I hope that whoever else in this world has prayed that prayer for someone else to take the cancer, or the pain, away and give them to someone else, I hope that I can be that person so no one else has to. For me, that is my silver lining.